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Thursday, April 29, 2004
Yesterday was a busy day dealing with doctors & playing the waiting game on test results. For a little while we though Savannah was going to have to go in to the hospital for short term IV Glucose. Long story short, one of her medicines had been ordered from and different company & ended I up giving her higher doses than she needed. Thus causing some rough side effects. While we were waiting for her ammonia level to come back I took her to McD's to play on the playground. I had the OP leave her central line accessed & I was terrified she might get the tubing hung un something while playing or that another kid might push her on her spot. Kids can be rough without meaning to. But everything went fine.

Last night my mother-in-law calls me and said she talked with her hubby & they agreed to split up. I talked to her today & she can't get a grip on herself & is just crying constantly. She is relieved about the split but afraid of losing her house due to financial difficulty. I will be here & help her as much as I can

I went to clean my once a week house this morning & I was locked out. So I went & bought the chicks more food and cleaned the church. When I got home there was a message apologizing for locking me out so I guess I will go tomorrow.

As of today, it is going to be cloudy & rainy every day at the beach until Wednesday- the day we come home. Oh well. It may still change. I hope it's good weather while we are there. It will be nice to get away just the same.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
I'm still a newbie :~)
6.25 %

My weblog owns 6.25 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

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which smilie are you?

OH Dear...

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Your results are in:
You are a combo of horse and cat!

What animal are you? Take the test!

What animal are you? Take the test!

Anybody else a combo? Got this from Angi.

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What smilie are you? Take the test!

Got his form Dawn & Angi

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Why did my post look the ay it does? In the preview it was fine. I did type it in word perfect then copy & paste. Who knows. Won't do that again.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2004
I went and did what I normally do when I am depressed, spend $ we don't have to spend. That's Ok though. For the 1st time everyone in my family owns their own beach towel. I bought sunblock & a new 7 foot kite at Sam's. It has blinking lites on it. I bough clothes detergent, canned drinks & sugar. Sams has new Speedo sandal's. I tried them on & they felt so good! I love speedo's. I am saving to buy them. Mom went with me & I enjoyed that. Savannah isn't having a good day. She has been having diarrhea since Saturday and her ammonia was supposedly extremely low yesterday. I haven't felt like dealing with making all the doctor phone calls yet. It is so cold today. Gonna be in the mid 30's tonight. Blackberry frost . Then we should heat up till November or so.

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Sunday, April 25, 2004
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings.

Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being
the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of
not having to be at work. Either way, the first few
hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement
ham-shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand
and the morning paper in the other. What began as a
typical Saturday morning turned into one of those
lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time.
Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into
the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order
to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.

Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap,
with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know
the kind; he sounded like he should be in the
broadcasting business. He was telling whom ever he was
talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I
was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your
job. I'm! sure they pay you well but it's a shame you
have to be away from home and your family so much.
Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work
sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too
bad you missed your daughter's dance recital" he
continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped
me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

And that's when he began to explain his theory of a
"thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little
arithmetic. The average person lives about
seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some
live less, but on average, folks live about
seventy-five years.

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times

52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of
Saturdays tha t the average person has in their entire
lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the
important part. It took me until I was fifty-five
years old to think about all this in any detail", he
went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight

"I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five,
I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So
I went to a toy store and bought every single marble
they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores
to round up 1,000 marbles. I took them home and put
them inside a large, clear plastic container right
here in the shack next to my gear."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble
out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the
marbles diminish, I focused more on the really
important things in life. There is nothing like
watching your time here on this earth run out to help
get your priorities straight.

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off
with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast.
This morning, I took the very last marble out of the
container. I figure that if I make it until next
Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.
And the one thing we can all use is a little more

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more
time with your family, and I hope to meet you again
here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ,
clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this
fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to
think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that
morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few
hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a
kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to
breakfast." "What brought th is on?" she asked with a
smile. Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time
since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And
hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I
need to buy some marbles...

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.

And so, as one smart bear once said...

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a
hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without
you." - Winnie the Pooh.

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I don't know what wrong wiht me. I have had 3 days this week where I just had to go to bed and have a nap. I had been doing so good. I'm still taking my meds. I hate this. So distracted and can't concentrate. I'm wondering if the twins b-day is bothering me more than I want to admit. If so I wish I could hurry up and get it over with. I'm a big downer & whiner. Not in the mood for people. I didn't even call my mom back today. Oh, well. Try to post anything more negative until I get over this.

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Saturday, April 24, 2004

What Video Game Character Are You? I am an Asteroid.I am an Asteroid.

I am a drifter. I go where life leads, which makes me usually a very calm and content sort of person. That or thoroughly apathetic. Usually I keep on doing whatever I'm doing, and it takes something special to make me change my mind. What Video Game Character Are You?

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Savannah disappeared today. This time I new where she went before she got there! She asked big brother to take her to Nanny & Papaws (walking distance) and he told her she had already been there once today and he wasn't taking her. So I kept an eye on her like every 30 seconds to see if she would try to go alone and yes, she did. I don't mind her going but she is 3 and if something happened there are a few places along the way where no one could see her if she needed help or got attacked by a stray dog or something. We will have to work on that.

I am really excited about vacation. One more week!

I went & had a picture of the twins copied into wallet sizes so I could carry one with me. Stan wouldn't take one. I don't think he will ever "deal" with the loss. It's almost their birthday. We will be back from the beach the day before. Usually the whole month of April is awful because I know that Mother's day (the day I found out they weren't going to make it) Zack & Luke's birthday (May 6th) & the anniversary of their death (May 13 & 14th) is coming up. It is also a precious little boy named Noah's birthday. He was born May 29th. He was the first baby and 1 of 3 that I have held since my loss. I held Noah his first time to church & in the most literal sense, I wanted to run out the door with him and never come back. Yes, I wanted to kidnap that little baby. Oh, well. I didn't. Every year I want to take him birthday shopping and buy 3 of what he wants. One for him and one for each of my boys. I can't/don't read blogs dedicated to healthy babies. I just can't deal with the emotional end of it. I am more interested in the kids with "problems" but can't always read about them. I have to be strong and only read a little. I have learned pretty good as to when I can and how much. Oh, I got side tracked again. This year April hasn't been as bad. I am very glad. I do wish that I could get over the Mother's Day thing for my mother's sake. I use to would do a gift, card & dinner. I have only been getting her a card and when I pick it our I do it without much thought. Maybe this year I will try to do more. Last year I spent the whole day whining to my mother about how hard that day was for me. She deserves more but I am very lucky to have a mother that I can whine to!

Anyway, went to Sears today and we ended up ordering a metal storage building. It is a 10 x 13 so we can tear down the old ugly one and tear down Stan's motorcycle shack. lol! We have 3 weeks to get the ground ready for it. Well, gonna go & figure protein & meds etc. Might be back later. Who knows...

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Friday, April 23, 2004

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

Thanks Shara & Dawn!

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When Savannah got home she was wide awake but very happy to be home. She is so funny trying to tell her version of stories. She gets to excited and stutters alot & says maybe 4 real words. I got her in, told Tiff bye and we went to bed. We read a book and she was out within 2 minutes of finishing it! I went to sleep quickly too!

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Thursday, April 22, 2004
WOOHOO! Savannah is coning home. Tiff, my little sister, called and said Savannah is going from bed to couch to the other bed & can't settle down. Shed asked her if she wanted to go home & sleep with mom & dad & she said yes! She does love us!!

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We have a mile-stone tonight. Savannah is spending the night at Bre's (grammy) house. She has never spent the night anywhere without me. I bet she stays all night too. I am sad because I know this means she is still growing up despite all my protesting! She was so happy to be going. I figured her protein, supplemented with Similac, gave her meds, & sent her protein free peanut butter , a free pudding and a sippy cup of milk to go to sleep with. Oh yeah, and 3 Barney videos, Pinky, pilly & blank. (pink stuffed bear, pillow & blanket) Mom was so thrilled. She disappeared again today. Turns out she followed our 2 puppies & 2 other neighborhood dogs to a neighbor's house. No one knew where she was for about 5 minutes. She has been wandering a lot lately. She is very socaible & wants to go visit everyone! We are serously thinking about puuting her in the local Head Start program or a preschool somewhere. She loves being around other kids and I really think it would help her to catch up developemently. Her docs agree and suggested I start out maybe an hour a day just to see if she will be getting sick more often. I guess I could handle an hour a day but my word, I couldn't stand letting her go all day every day. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years preotecting her with my whole being from food and germs that can cause permanat brain damage or kill her. To send her out into the world where no one knows of this disorder and looks at a hot dog & hershey bar as a great treat for kids... Oh dear. That is just too much. Savannah was the first in our state with Citrullinemia and is now 1 of 3. Again, prayer. God will guide us.

I have decided not to make any decisions as far as tx right now. I think I need more reason to. The food issue isn't THAT BIG of an issue right now and she isn't having uncontrolable hyperanemia epesodes, so...

OK I just got side tracked when I made the cit link and read a bunch online so now I am tired. I still have to check out Angi's blog to see her new stuff.

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Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Well, we didn't get the car. We ( I pay the bills -my fault) have been late too many times on the car we have now. Oh, well.

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Stan brought home a car last night that we are hopefully going to get. We have been looking for a 4 door for about 6 months now. Just trying to find one we can afford payments on. One of the perks of working at a dealership is Stan can get cars wholesale. I think after vacation he is going to quit so he wants to get a car before he does. I really like the car. MORE ROOM! I will know this afternoon if we can get it or not.

Savannah was a major pain with her speech therapists today. She would not go in without me and then she would start crying for no reason, kept telling her teacher no and in general would not cooperate. Mrs. Ellen said she had never done this before. When she was going with Mrs. Linda for Sp ed I warned her that it was a bad day. Savannah didn't make me go with her and this teacher. When she was finished Mrs. Linda said Savannah did the best with her she had ever done. Go figure...

I think a storm is blowing in. The wind has really picked up. I spent all afternoon yesterday packing up winter clothes and dragging out the summer ones. I am so glad to have warm weather here. Well. gonna go meet Stan & see if we can make a deal!

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Monday, April 19, 2004
OK It is official. We are going on our first family vacation! I made the reservations today & if we cancel we lose all our money- so we have to go! Last year Stan & I went to the beach without the kids & missed them desperately. I am really excited! So it looks like Stan will have to stay at his job at least until then. We leave May 2 and will be staying 3 nights in an ocean front room. I love the sound of the ocean. I went to Daytona for the first time last year and I don't think I will ever go back into the water again. At Myrtle you see the occasional jelly fish wash on shore but at Daytona I was SURROUNDED by turtles, starfish, schools of fish & I got out of there before a shark got me! lol. I want the Bahama kind of water & fish. Crystal clear where you can see all the Beautiful fish and not be scared of them. If I can't see it until it is 2 feet in front of me then forget it. EJ loves the ocean. He loves the sand. He will swim & play all day. Savannah got the salt water in her eyes first thing at Daytona & wouldn't go near it again. She does love the water though. I bet we won't get her out of the pool!

Spring is my most favorite time of the year. The days are long and I can sit outside listening to the birds. Everywhere I turn there are signs of new life. Beautiful life! The painting by God's hand. I awake to the sunrise & the birds awakening singing their good morning songs. The squirrels playing chase. The rooster crowing to let us know it's morning. Flowers of every color imaginable blooming. Soon the mountains will be a thick blanket of a lush green. Not a sign of deadness anywhere! Being able to open my windows and leave them open at night, watching the sunset and waiting for the first fire fly to catch! I love spring.

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Sunday, April 18, 2004
You Are Romans
You are Romans.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Saturday, April 17, 2004
Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Favorite Color:
You were most probably:A dinosaur
If not then you were:A crazy guy on the S-Train
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

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What a week! I feel better now than I have in a while! I think the CH trip was bothering me really bad and I didn't realize it. (or it was pms) I am beginning to think Savannah's cold is more allergy related. IT is running clear with no sneezing or coughing. She ate better the last 2 days. She only got in 2.1g protein today so I am having to supplement 4.4g which gives about 16 oz to get in her tonight. I just tubed about 5 and will tube more in another 1 1/2 hour or so.

My poor poor 13 year old son! He saw something today that every kid sees and never forgets. Their parents having sex. Stan & I haven't had sex in a couple of weeks & the kids were down at Nanny & Papaws so we though we would have some fun. You know how you try to spice things up by having sex in a room other than your bedroom? Well, we were in the living room floor. Stan had shut & locked the front door but the back door was wide open. We had some nice music playing and were having a good ole' time when all of a sudden Stan says, "No, go away." LOL I am like ,"What?" I though he was talking to one of the dogs. He said , "EJ." Oh My Goodness. We didn't know what to do. To get to our bedroom you have to walk past the back door. My son is naive I didn't know where he would be. So I peep and he is on the porch with his back to us. It was awful. Stan and I both were so thrown. I remember when that happened to me as a child & how embarrassed and weird it made me feel. My parents didn't acknowledge what I had saw so I had to figure it out on my own. Anyway, I got dresses and went and talked to my son who (until now) thinks Stan & I have only had sex twice. He thinks this because I have had 2 pregnancies. I guess he though you got pregnant automatically. Maybe that was a good thing. Oh well. He and us will be more careful now! LOL

I went to my first baby shower in almost 6 years for a cousin I have only seen twice in the last 17 years. It went really well & I'm glad I went. I kept waiting for my dad to walk through the door. I'm glad he didn't get wind of the shower & come uninvited anyway. It would be like him to do that.

Stan's drinking isn't bothering as bad either. It's awful but I enjoy being around him more when he has a drink or two in him. He really opens up and "talks" to me. It shouldn't be that way. I don't want to start wanting him to drink. I really need to pray about this and give it to the Lord.

Let Go & Let God
As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around & tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
& cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

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Tuesday, April 13, 2004
When we got home from dentist & therapy today the yellow hen has laid an egg! She laid it in gravel on the opposite side of our momma hen. So I built the yellow hen her own box. While looking for materials to use I find a whole bag full of plastic Easter eggs (a little late huh?) EJ calls for Savannah & I give her the bag of eggs. A few minutes later she is yelling "kank u chee!" She is thanking the chickens for her pretty colorful eggs. It was hilarious. I continue the task of building a box not thinking what Vanna might be doing. When we come back in the house she has 6 uncooked real eggs in the living room floor and a pot. Hershey is trying to get one in his mouth and she is proud of her efforts to cook the eggs! Thank goodness none broke open. She would be swelled up like a balloon by now. We have had a good day today. Better than yesterday. Stan is doing some better too.

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Monday, April 12, 2004
What is about Fear Factor? My 3 year old loves that show! I'm in here on the computer and hear that it is a beauty pageant fear factor or something like that. So I yell to my husband that I am sure they are all so ugly. Have you noticed there is never ever an ugly girl on that show? Anyway he says yeah dirt ugly. He changed the channel & Vanna says, "I wont watch dat". So he puts it back and she watches it and makes all the right oohs & ahhs when appropriate. She likes to watch survivor too. Go figure. She was a but today to Amy. Amy was giving her a bath and Savannah kept telling her to go away. I didn't even know she could say that much less use it in context. EJ got one of the original Nintendo systems tonight. He was so excited but it's wore out and won't hardly play any of the games. I got Stan into playing poker on pogo tonight and he loved it. He watches the WPT (world poker tour) all the time now. He hasn't drunk any tonight! He came home ill & wouldn't look at me. He said it was his work. I told him he couldn't take it out on me & the kids. He lightened up after I made him a resume' and emailed it to a few companies.

I have been working on my 100 things about me for a couple of weeks now. I'm almost done! It has been fun because I am really bad for having chain reaction thoughts. That works good for a short bio! Savannah's cold is getting worse. I keep feeling of her forehead. The little girl Katlyn that she played with Saturday had a runny nose so I wonder if that is where she got it. Still waiting to hear what her blood type is. When Sheron called today I wasn't here. Oh, well. Talked with my brother today. He was asking all kinds of questions. I hate repeating myself to some many people all the time but when it's someone who genuinely cares I don't mind and actually it helps to talk to someone who REALLY wants to know and can understand instead of it all blowing their mind away and then they pretend to know what you are talking about. OK back to my bio

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The kids, Stan, cashier at Wal-mart... everybody is getting on my nerves today. I feel so anxious. Trying not to take a nerve pill. Have another busy week. Too many doctor appointments. EJ is going to miss his next 2 choir practices. Savannah has a cold. Homeschooling + Special need kids = Disaster for Mom

Stan calls & says the usual. I am to the point now where I just say, "OK Honey quit! You've been talking about it for so long & I have to listen to you every day so just quit already." Goodness, it's getting on my nerves. He promised he would read this one package of info on the liver transplant this weekend. He forgot. When I called him from CH the night after I had the meeting I was telling him everything I had learned and ask him what he thought. I have researched this transplant off & on for 3 1/2 years now & give him info when he is in a listening mood. So at the meeting with the liver doc I only learned a couple of things new. That's why I ask him what he thought. I wasn't wanting a go ahead with the tx or anything. I was looking for support or for him to say no or say yes go ahead and find out more or something. Ya know what I got. "Well Honey, you know I will think whatever you think." Hello. Why can't my husband face this and come to his own conclusions? I have been asking him to please please pray and see what if anything that God will say to him about it. This is his daughter & her life. Get involved is what I want to scream at him. Help me please. He did come to the conclusion that he will not be the donor unless it is life or death. What a wimp. I don't want him to be the donor because we can't afford for him to take 6 weeks off work but we hadn't even discussed this when he made his decision. He told me he was to scared to be cut on. Yeah it is scary but again- HELLO. THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER. Take part somewhere sometime. We haven't had sex since I left. I guess I am kind of upset that he isn't taking more interest in this. All he does is gripe about his job and drink every couple of days. I know I'm not perfect but this is huge ya know. OK I feel a little better now but I'm sure I'll be back soon!

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Sunday, April 11, 2004
I have been meditating a lot on what I've learned this week. When you don't know what to do stand still and watch the wonders of God. One thing I LOVE about Chapel Hill is staying at the Ronald McDonald House. Not because it's cheaper or there are toys everywhere for Vanna but because there is a gazebo out back. Every morning I get my coffee and sit in there just me & God. I don't know why I feel him so strongly there. Maybe because when Vanna was first born I spent a lot of time praying in that gazebo. It is so peaceful with the birds singing. The house is quiet. Just me & God!

Stan's drinking is really starting o bother me again. He is ill now until he gets his first drink in him. He has been drinking for about 1 1/2 years now. I have been sober for about 7 years and no the symptoms. He is headed down the wrong path. He is becoming dependent & can't even see it.

We had a good time at Lisa & EW's yesterday. (in-laws) Me & the kids went with Lisa to her daughters house and dyed Easter eggs. That was fun. We are having a small get together at my house today. My mom, sister, and a couple of cousins. I think it is going to rain :~(

Our Easter program is at church today. I am excited!

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Saturday, April 10, 2004
OK I am back! I came to my computer my last to have some fun and guess what! The server was down argggg. Anyway. I haev updated Savannah's site with info about the trip. I don't have time to write in my blog now. I have got to e-mail my friend who is going to have a mojor breakdown if God doesn't intervene soon. Then again the saying I often hate to hera. God will never put on us more than we can bear. Be back soo.

The chicks are sooo cute

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Sunday, April 04, 2004
OK I have to be at church in 25 minutes but I had to get this out of me. We now have 8 baby chicks and more coming!!! They are soooo cute. Some are solid black & the others are yellow with black spots. This is a unique breed called Silkies. Anyway, we leave tomorrow for CH. Nervous but better than I was. EJ has decided to stay with my cousin Anita instead of Angi. I will update Savanah's Caring Bridge page when I get back. I am going to try and get access to a computer while I'm down there but I have never had any luck. OK Bye for now.

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Thursday, April 01, 2004
Today has been much better! Yesterday I ended up in the bed for the whole afternoon and it was all I could do to be "up" for Stan. When I am depressed I do 1 of 3 things or all 3. Eat myself to death, stay in bed or shop & spend way to much $. I was in the bed yesterday, I spent $450 today so will I eat like crazy tomorrow? I get so nervous before a trip to CH. I do feel better today though. I am using my blogger as my note taker for the purpose of being able to share it with Angi. I know without asking you will read it all and even do research on your own! Thanks.

I ask Stan tonight to take over in the evenings for me with Savannah. He said no immediately. He told me he has a stressful day at work & he needs to relax at home. OK. So I have to deal with the stress 24/7? What's up with that. He told me he would help me when I need him to. So every night I will at least try to get him to g-tube her & give meds. When I do ask he makes me feel guilty for it. It is so aggravating.

We should have some baby silkies any day now! I keep listen for little peeps when I go to check on the hen. They will hatch while we're gone next week I'm sure. Well, I promised Savannah I would paint her nails-

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